just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
