so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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