Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
