I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
