guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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