I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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