i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
