I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Is it penis luge time yet?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
