Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
