Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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