I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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