if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Randomize
