do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
