Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize