That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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