I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
