It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
