i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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