By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize