Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
