my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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