so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
