she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
