I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
