I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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