My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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