I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
