When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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