Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
