I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize