Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
