My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
