Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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