she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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