did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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