i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
