i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's shark week go big or go home
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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