Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
