OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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