I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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