I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
