i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
