Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
