But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
