also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
