Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
