I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
