I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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