They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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