u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
