I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
