How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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