you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize