Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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