The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
