The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
